Akatsuki Shorts And Other Unmentionables
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: Shorts about life in Akatsuki,by the Akatsuki.Each member will have one or more chapters eventually but right now I'm starting with chapters for Zetsu and Deidara.Some swearing,debates on how many mouths Deidara has, and mentions of naughtiness may occur.
1. I Am Zetsu

I Am... Akatsuki

By A Clockwork Pumelo

I Am... Zetsu

I've noticed that I've been really into writing about the Akatsuki lately, so I thought I'd do a series of excerpts from their point of view just for bricks and giggles. I got the Idea for Zetsu this morning in the shower, and I thought 'hmmmm... i wonder if Siamese twins have to share junk?'... Yeah, I know, I think about weird things. I'm kind of a weird person, but I make up for it by being cute and lovable and a good writer. Deidara's chapter will be next, so stay tuned!

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. KISHIMOTO DOES.

**Hi. You look tasty. How much do you weigh?**

_Gah, shut up! This is supposed to be a diary! You're talking to a freaking tape recorder, in case your dumb a** didn't notice._

**Fine, be an a** and do the stupid diary, but don't come whining to me when we're hungry tonight. It's almost time to go get the mail...**

_Hello, I'm Zetsu, and welcome to my greenhouse. Feel free to sit wherever you like, just not in my pot. Oh, and ignore the black half. He's a total idiot._

**No, you're the only half of Zetsu that's an idiot. Get the hell out of my garden, or I'll eat you and feed the rest to my plants.**

_I thought we agreed as to who would be speaking here. This is a formal greeting, and who knows, others might be looking to join our ranks so would you just be quiet and let me make a good impression? _

**No, you shut up, cracker.**

_You shut up, n*****._

**F*** you, don't call me that. It's 'cause I'm black, isn't it?**

_No, it's because you're already on your _fourth mailman this year_, baka._

**Shut up you f****** racist. You know we both like them... lots of lean meat from walking around so much... mmmmm....**

_Sicko. _

**Fine dobe, be in denial. I'm going off to... fertilize the plants. Come here planty planty planty... Your leaves are so soft...**

_You f****** pedophile, that one's still a sapling! Honestly, you are just disgusting..._

**Not any more disgusting than you with your frying pan, always cooking perfectly bloody meat and adding powdered relatives to it.**

_It's called seasoning! _

**Come here babe, let me wash your needles for you...**

_That's last year's Christmas tree, baka._

**So? It likes me...**

_It's dead, you f****** necrophiliac. [to the tree] Sorry, we really should get around to chipping you, you know, you'd make perfect mulch for the rose beds._

**Not until I'm through with you...**

_I'm not gonna deal with you today._

[White Zetsu separates from black Zetsu, carries on conversation]

_Anyways, let me take you into the flower room while he's... busy. _

[In the flower room]

_Aren't they pretty? They just really light up the place, don't they? _[Nuzzles flower] _Yes you do! Anyways, now that he's gone, I can talk freely. As you probably already know, I am the Akatsuki's best spy. I can merge freely with any natural material: Stone, plants, trees, etc. I like sunlight, and I keep plants for company much as you humans keep dogs or cats, only plants are more useful, and they never bark. I love all of my plants, and they love me back. They don't like black Zetsu, he does bad things to them..._

[White Zetsu looks downcast]

_I wish I could do something about it, but he's the one who gets our junk when we split. All I get is an extra bit of forehead, and it makes me look like that pink-haired bitch who killed Sasori. _[sighs] _Nothing is sacred... shoulda seen Black gnawing on the parts that were left like they were actual remains..._

[Black Zetsu walks in]

**Aww, is the d***less cracker baby crying again? You are so f****** pathetic, you know that? **

[Black Zetsu merges with White Zetsu]

_Ugh, shut up. You're starting to sound like that Sai person._

**At least I'm not a f****** pussy like you.**

_At least I'm not a plant-molester like you._

**You're just jealous, so f*** you.**

_No, f*** you._

**You couldn't, even if you split.**

_See what I mean? He is a complete a******._

**Hah, at least I have an a******.**

_That's not something to be proud of._

**Like you have anything to be proud of, d***less.**

_I'm talking to Pein about this. Seriously, I'm not taking this s***._

[White Zetsu separates, stomps out of greenhouse]

**So, it's just you and me, huh? You look really tasty...**

[Author runs and hides]


	2. I Am Deidara

**I Am Deidara**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**Part of the "I Am Akatsuki" Series**

**Ahh, Deidara... the blond bomber extraordinaire! I love writing from his POV, because he's one of the easiest characters to make fun of, and one of the most easily misunderstood. Plus, he has gorgeous hair. I'm thinking of doing either Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu or Kisame next... anyone who votes gets cyber-cookies!**

**I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. KISHIMOTO DOES.  
**

Hi, I'm Deidara. I like to blow s*** up, because _art is a blast! _Actually, I just like to blow s*** up for the hell of it, but don't tell anyone... it'll ruin my mystique. I'm partnered with Sasori, otherwise known as Pinocchio or Mr. F***ing Impatient A**hole. But don't tell him that... he'll replace my explosive clay with wallpaper paste again, and I'll have to spend hours getting it out of my teeth, _again_. Did I mention that I have lots of mouths? Like, four of them, at least that I show in the anime, and that I have to brush their stupid little teeth _every day _to keep them from getting cavities? (Seriously, the last time I had a filling in my left-hand one, I had to have it numbed and I almost made it bite it's cute little tongue off!) And Kakuzu charges me an extra premium on dental insurance for _each one_? And don't even get me started on how much the damn things eat... Kakuzu takes that out of my meager salary too. F***ing miser...

So why don't I just sew the damn things shut like the one on my chest? Well, for one, my hand-mouths don't give me wicked-a** heartburn if I eat spicy foods with them (Note to self: I will never, ever, ever eat jalapeño poppers with my chest mouth again. Seriously, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack, and I'm not even thirty yet, not by a long shot). I also like to make them make out with each other... hehe, you should see people's faces when they watch that! For another, I'm a guy... and I have mouths on my hands. You do the math. Seriously, it's the best thing _ever. _I know what I want, they never bite me, and best of all I can switch to the other hand when one gets tired. Kablammy! Besides, it's not like I'm gonna be getting any from Konan, much less someone outside the Akatsuki, is it? I mean, Konan actually thinks I'm a chick, despite my obvious lack of breasts and the fact that she's _walked in on me taking a bath at least half a dozen times so far_. Granted, it was a bubble bath one time, but honestly, that woman must be freaking blind. Sometimes I wonder if I need to drop my pants and wave it around in her face to get her to realize that I AM A DUDE! Seriously, I may not be Stallion McHugejunk, but I still have something to be proud of... all six-and-a-half inches of it (if any of you lovely ladies_ must_ know). Seriously, I don't know why people think I'm a girl, just 'cause I wear eyeliner and have kicka** hair. And the whole calling Sasori my "master" thing? That's actually part sarcasm, partly because I lost a bet. Hint in life: Never, ever go up against Sasori at a game of dice unless you are also a puppet master. His chakra strings will screw you big time, in all orifices. Hmph.

Oh, and if you're a female around Rain Country and want some blond bomber lovin' just call up the Akatsuki Hideout at 1-800-RED-MOON and I'm sure we could arrange something. My hands are good for eating more than just food, if you get my meaning, hmmmm. ;-) Just bring some real food too for my hands to eat, because my left one already devoured my last can of Pringles as I wrote this.


End file.
